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Dear You,
You were the trusted one I came out to first. You were my closest friend and confidant in this world, and I felt safest coming to you to hold my hand through the process of coming out. I had to kill the version of me I had created for the world and allow my true self to finally be born and that is an isolating experience that no one can prepare you for. Amid that process, I needed the safety blanket I believed your love offered and I sought solace in it as I took those initial & excruciatingly necessary first steps.
Coming out truly was a rebirth and it opened my eyes to the harsh perspectives this world held on the LGBTQ+ community. I had always been scared to be gay from my upbringing in the Mormon church and knowing their stance on what would become of me, but I had largely been shielded from what life outside of Mormonism looked like and that, in and of itself, was a wakeup call.
They say when someone tells you who they are, to believe them. When you tell your loved ones who you actually are, it is astounding to witness what they tell you back about themselves. The difference is I literally had to tell my loved ones who I was - I had to say the words. On my end, I had to pick up cues, watch facial expressions and acknowledge the lack of reaching out to be told who you were. In time, however, words did come from you. You told me it was unfortunate that we wouldn’t spend eternity together because I was choosing to live a gay lifestyle. You told me your husband blamed my parents for me being gay. That something they had done had caused me to turn out this way, as if they had altered my brain chemistry in some fashion. You told me you didn’t want me to tell your children but rather that you would do it and that you did not want me involved in that process. As time has passed, two of your children have commented to me “But you’re not like the people my dad talks about.” Tell me, please, what I am supposed to do with that.
Part of this experience on earth is to grow and to continue the evolution of ourselves. Our perspectives shift, ideologies grow, and we learn what clicks for us as well as what does not. What we deem to be priorities do not end up being the same level of priorities in those around us and that is what makes this world go around. We learn from one another, we educate, and we give each other a reason to pause and reflect. To cut to the chase, after coming out, politics became a very integral part of my perspective. Largely, because at the time, my community was not allowed to marry. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell had barely been removed and change was clearly on the horizon and so much was (is) at stake. In the last decade, it has been clear that our points of view regarding politics are wildly different. I never used to consider myself a Democrat. I used to think I could look at both sides and see the good and maturely point out that the differences of opinions, if combined, could actually be the difference this world needs. I then learned that the GOP Platform’s rulebook literally states that their belief stands that marriage is between a man and a woman. With that being a part of the Republican party’s policy, I found myself vowing that I could not hold up that white flag any longer and declare the same stance that I had been all those years. One party sought equality for the LGBTQ+ community and the other was hard pressed to keep us from having what you all get to have, which is just civil rights, plainly and simply.
In the last decade, our perspectives have differed in an even greater sense, and I don’t need to explain to anyone else reading this what has politically changed in this country in that time frame. You told me that it was obvious that I would be a Democrat because I was gay but that you held the republican belief because of your husband’s involvement in the military. I’ll never forget when you said that to me and it has stuck with me ever since. It was one of the first things that really caught me off guard with your viewpoint because you said it as if the Democratic party is anti-military or anti-support for our veterans and their families. After 9/11, they passed the Post-9/11 GI Bill (2008) which expanded educational benefits for service members, allowing veterans and their dependents to attend college with substantial financial support, including tuition & housing. They passed the Veterans Access, Choice and Accountability Act (2014), the Blue Water Navy Vietnam Veterans Act (2019), The Military Lending Act (2015), Family and Medical Leave for Military Families (2010), Honoring Our PACT Act (2022), National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) to name but a few. The Democratic Party continues to fight for our military, veterans and their families so I’ve always tried to see why loving the military was the deterrent to not being a Democrat.
When Trump was elected in 2016, it was a hard pill to swallow that you voted for a man who had made so many disparaging remarks towards the LGBTQ+ community. Knowing you voted in such a way that deliberately would have an impact on my life and my equality in this country was a line in the sand. But ever the Mormon at heart, I took that line, and I turned the other cheek. While our relationship has suffered from that first election, I have tried to mend and compartmentalize our bond vs our political viewpoints that divide us. This has not been an easy feat and when we have political conversations, I have still worked on finding what we agree on rather than focusing on the differences. When I moved home in 2021, our relationship did strengthen as a result of that and there was a fragment of our old bond that still shown through. We were finding a new way to co-exist and while I still struggled on my end, I continued to compartmentalize in order to keep our relationship.
As the campaign ignited for the 2024 election, our conversations lessened as we both know where we stand. We went out one night to a bar and after being stiffed with the $200+ bill for you and your husband's food/alcohol, we talked in the parking lot for two hours about trans rights and your stance on the T in LGBTQ+ and I tried to answer questions and offer perspective. I tried to explain how there is no example of a man using a women’s restroom while posing as a woman simply for perverse reasons. I tried to explain how any FTM in a men’s restroom or MTF in the women’s restrooms are more at risk than anyone else in those situations. I have lived my life feeling like I do not exist to a vast majority of the world’s population and that I am not deserving or feeling equal. My trans family are often the bravest souls I have ever met because they have to take things to an extent that I often get to “hide” when I need to feel safe. When I’m in a room where I know there is a general perspective towards the LGBTQ+, I get to choose if I’m going to speak up or not. Trans people wear it on their sleeves. They are brave enough to fight through the bullshit and work (every day) on being their authentic selves, even when it's exhausting. And it is so exhausting. Never knowing what someone else may do to you or be saying behind your back. If anyone is watching what vehicle you walk to after you leave a place and if they will slash your tires the next time you are there or if they may follow you after you leave. To see the the uncomfortable glances people give you when they “figure you out” or to hear the snickering that takes place when a joke is said at your expense as a member of the LGBTQ+ community. This is a small part of our daily lives, and the trans community endures it more than the rest of us - especially here in the judgemental and overpowering Mormon state which is Utah. They are not in your bathrooms to make you feel uncomfortable. They are there to try in the smallest way, to feel like they are exactly where they belong. I can only imagine if I was constantly in a restroom or locker room where I felt like I did not belong. So, for them to find the strength to do that, I assure you they are not interested in you or your daughter. In fact, quite the opposite. They are probably keeping to themselves and trying to cause as little awareness to their existence in there as possible and here you are making them feel less than all over again with your recently found conservative views that shock me coming from someone like yourself. Someone who used to be so open-minded and loving towards all walks of life. Someone who used to help those who felt like they didn’t belong or have a friend in the crowd, and you would bring them into your friend group. I have to remind myself that was the old you. Now your perspective, primarily on the trans community, is hateful and arrogant and is the very mindset that causes so many of our LGBTQ+ youth to feel like it’s a never-ending struggle and they will never be accepted. No wonder Utah is consistently in the top ten in the United States for suicide deaths. Suicide is the leading cause of death for Utah youth ages 10-17, second leading cause of death for ages 18-24 and 25-44, the fifth leading cause of death for ages 45-64 and across the entire state is the eighth leading cause of death. I have never told you how I have had my own attempts at my own life. Because when you feel there is no hope – when you feel the world doesn’t want you – you listen. And unfortunately, you sometimes cannot stop listening. I grew up fearing what it would do to my loved ones if I chose to be my authentic homosexual self. Choosing to lie and opress my own desires for my life to merely keep my loved ones from feeling that shame and pain of having a gay family member or friend. It got to a place where I felt I had to take my own life because it was too hard to keep the charade up. So I know first hand how hard it is to feel that it would be easier to take your own life rather than deal with the world accepting/not accepting you. I ache for those in my community who cannot stop listening and give in to that terrible thought. I ache for those who just want to find some normalcy in their own skin. The absolute hate that Donald J. Trump and his followers spew on a daily basis is abhorrent and I will not allow it in my life anymore by those I keep in my inner circle.
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In the weeks leading up to November 5th, I came across an account on social media that I saw you follow. This account deliberately had anti LGBTQ+ things posted and under each post, it showed me you had liked it. I scrolled this account and went back years into their posts, and you had been liking anti-gay posts for years and years. Posts telling me that I should be grateful for straight people because if it weren’t for you heterosexuals, I wouldn’t even exist. You see, it’s a funny joke because gay people can’t have kids on their own and live their lives in the same manner that the rest of you get to. If we choose to have kids, it’s an earnest and costly decision often faced with persecution and the law that we have to fight through because your party does not see my community as being fit parents (which is Ironic with a capital I, if I’m being honest). Seeing you like these posts absolutely ruined me. I have truly never felt so betrayed or abandoned or disconnected from someone that I thought was in my corner helping to fight the fight with me. It made me sit back and analyze everything about us. I came to the conclusion that you must be compartmentalizing me in the same way that I have been you. You don’t see me as my community. You see me as Chris/CJ. While there is nobility in that – for seeing me for me, you are also dismissing me. I am proud to be LGBTQ+. While you clearly view trans and gay rights as separate things, we are the same community, and we are one in the same. You don’t get to compartmentalize me from them. You don’t get to pretend that I’m different from them because I am not trans. We are one community, and you need to realize that. I have fought tooth and nail for the acceptance of those around me and to prove my worth to you all despite the often Mormon or Republican mindsets that are in my face on a daily basis. I approached you when I caught you liking these posts and let you know how absolutely horrific I found it. Let me be perfectly clear: You have become someone I do not know. Every day (since I called you out) that you have not so much as attempted to call me and explain or communicate your reasons, it is exceedly louder and louder how little you care about me or to mend this. To anyone reading, let me put this into perspective - it has been months.
Years ago, before I came out, an employee of mine had just bought a house and the week they moved into their home they came into work crying that they didn’t feel they could raise their kids in that neighborhood anymore because they realized there were gay people two houses down and what would that mean for the safety of their children?! Years later, before moving to California, someone in my own neighborhood addressed me that they did not feel comfortable with my partner (at the time) and I living there. Because of the stereotype and arrogance that people have towards gay people and because of these moments, it forever affected how I would interact with my own nephews and niece. I never wanted anyone, even you, to misconstrue my love and affection for my own family members because of what the world views gay people as. And here you are – contributing to that rhetoric that we are those types of people. LGBTQ+ are not pedophiles and molesters. Pedophiles and molesters are pedophiles and molesters. Read those last two sentences again for me.
At another time in my life, loved ones were set to come over for a dinner one night and we were called 30 minutes before we expected their arrival and told that children would not be allowed in the home unless we took photos off the wall (in my own home) of my partner and I. Has anyone ever told you that if you want them in your house, you need to remove your own existence simply so they feel more comfortable? You do not know discrimination like I have experienced, and I am in no way attempting to play the victim card. I am proving my endurance through it all, despite the arrogance and vitriol. Despite having the false pretense of your “support.” You tell me you love me and then vote against me. You tell me you love me and then like years worth of Instagram posts bashing me. You tell me you love me and then prove why hate still exists from the world towards my community. You do not get to have me in your life anymore when this is the reality you have chosen to create between us. You do not get to cherry pick the issues and be upset now that I will no longer allow it. I will no longer compartmentalize you and your MAGA lifestyle just as I ask you to no longer compartmentalize me and the LGBTQ+ community. You will remain in my life now as a person I can no longer trust with my safety. You will remain in my life but at arm’s length. You will remain in my life, but you will never have a full relationship with me now that you have done what you have done. While there are others in my life who also voted the same way that you did, I have held you to a different standard than everyone else for all these years and that ends today. The person I came out to first would be the number one person I would fear coming out to now, and that is you.
A while back, I reminded you of what you said to me when I came out. I reminded you that you told me we wouldn’t be together forever in eternity because I was gay. While you have your own secrets you’ve kept from the world and your lifestyle has changed from that which is accepted within the Mormon church, I reminded you of these things to prove to you how it felt. You asked me “Isn’t it great that people can change?” It was an interesting response as I don’t think it was perceived how you meant it to be. I know firsthand how great someone can change. My father is a noble example of a man who can change for the better. No one has my back the way that man does, despite things I heard him say about my community while I grew up in the theater world. That man is a testament to how much a person can change and better themselves by giving actual love and support and not just saying it to my face and then voting against my rights. I do believe you have changed but not in the way you may feel. I do not know you anymore. I know you have been working on finding this new version of yourself over these last few years but the deeper you go in that search; I fear you are falling further away from the person you are seeking. I always laugh at the sheep that consider themselves lions. When in fact, they are all in the same herd, following a man who would feed them to the wolves to protect himself in a heartbeat. I would have done anything for you, and I have proven that through years of being there and showing up. From helping with mortgage bills without being thanked, driving an hour out of my way and canceling an endless number of plans just to watch kids so you could go see a movie or get away for a minute. I have shown up by searching for your cat for the better half of a year when everyone else gave up hope, but I continued to drive out and search your neighborhood day in and day out in the freezing cold. By giving you free family photos time and time again and never being compensated for my time and services which is rich seeing as your own husband taunts on social media how family should support family and then makes sure that invoice gets paid. When you have needed to vent, and you’ve called me to talk about other loved ones that we share but I came to the realization that you never have a good thing to say about anyone you love anymore. The old you would have found silver linings and would have vented about “this” or “that” but then moved on. You live in that forever vent session now. You see yourself as better than the rest of us on all accounts. You no longer see the good in those you “love” and you live in this constant state of hatred and condescension. You live in that state of hatred that has grown larger than the love you use to exude – and we feel it.
I write this as a letter of grief and mourning. To other MAGA supporters, I’m sure it comes across as immature or me being a stereotypical, dramatic, Democratic gay guy. But I write this as an end to the previous chapters of looking the other way. I will no longer let people be fake supporters of my life. I will no longer allow you into my home if you view my lifestyle as “lesser than" or vote against my safety and security in this nation. I will not excuse your behavior or opinions any longer when countless people ask me how we manage to keep a relationship amid the political differences - because it’s officially gone beyond that. This is not a difference of how to spend tax dollars but rather a moral battle of civil rights and your lack of awareness that mine are even at stake. Your lack of reaching out to explain yourself or to try to help me understand where you may have been coming from is irrelevant at this point. Nothing has hurt me more in my life than this relationship and what has become of it. Nothing in my life has been a bigger loss to me than this specific relationship. I wish I could go back to when I came out all over again and hold my own hand. I wish I could go back to that version of me and open my eyes to how naïve I was in thinking you had my back. I am finally strong enough to realize that our future will not have the bond I envisioned we would have. I wish you luck. I hope others in your life who are questioning their sexualities or are trying to find themselves are able to feel the love and acceptance my community will have for them despite how you, and people with your similar views make them feel. I hope you take these perspectives, and you internalize them and think just why you have such strong opinions on these topics. That you look inside yourself for the solace you seek and that you find the resolution you need. There is a version of you in there before all of this took place, before Trump became important to you and before the harsh reality of the world left the marks on you that it has and I hope you find that little girl that is still in there and I hope you embrace her and give her the biggest hug and tell her you love and accept her for all that she was and still is and can be.
I do and will forever love you- but that’s what makes this so necessary.
-CJ
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