Defining Ourselves

Never one to sugar-coat a situation, truth is that sometimes you drown. I have felt like I’m drowning more and more over the past year and even more so as the last few months have passed. Life’s changes have a way of making you look at things in different perspectives. Paths you weren’t planning on taking become the road more traveled and the life you once thought you longed for seems farther away from where you are headed. Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression (surprise, surprise). Having depression can be a heavy load and as of late, while still drowning, someone seems to have tied bricks to my ankles.  My depression effects every part of my day and particularly the little mind-games I play with myself in terms of how I perceive a situation or more importantly my own self.  My sister has a plaque in her home that reads “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” Now, I am sure we’ve all heard that at one time or another and the amazingness of that quote is more than apparent.  Aside from the fear of failure however, how incredible would it be if we could look at these moments in our lives from the perspective of hindsight while we suffer through our consequences and decisions made to see that everything will truly be alright in the end. 

We are all the creators of our own destiny … or so the saying goes, yet I feel as if every possible outside factor is taking hold of my life right now.  It makes me wonder if I am psychologically forcing myself to be in this place because I feel I deserve to be punished and perhaps I am playing the “woe is me” card versus how much truly is out of my control.  How much of the shit show that is swirling around me is created by my own self and why does it seem so matter-of-fact impossible to stop the chaos?  I have witnessed people of all ages go through their own  (for lack of a better word) “mid-life crisis,” and I refuse to believe that I’m going through this at the age of 27 but what if it’s a mid - mid-life crisis? No matter what I want to call it, at the end of the day I need to stop looking for whatever rational is going to make me feel better about my situation and just face the music.  There are times I witness others going through depression or having a bout of anxiety and I instantly think to myself how silly they are being and how everything will be just fine.  When it is me wearing the depression hat or having my own anxiety issues, that I very much have, I feel like my world is consumed and the ways out of the situation do not seem obtainable.  Funny how life has its own way of humbling us and reminding us that we are no different than one another.

In the personal wars we face in the span of our lives, the most damaged casualty can often be our own self-worth.  We gauge our success and worth by our jobs, our relationship statuses or by the amount of weight we have lost.  We see each other’s lives on Facebook and everyone else appears to be so happy.  They look as if to lead these perfect lives and the comparisons become overwhelming. At the end of the day however, are we still good, worthwhile people even if our employers or ex’s don’t agree?  Can we still be considered successful in life if our relationships do not work out or if we don’t have the stick figured or muscled physique we long to have?  I ask this because I feel all of it.  I will be the first to tell you that I have a prideful side to myself and that I love my jeep and I prefer to have the newest iPhone model.  I’m the guy that will drive 20 minutes out of his way to shop at Super-Target rather than walk into Walmart that is only 3 minutes away from my front door.  I’m more than aware these things do not matter in the long run and yet I find myself following these rules I have set for myself that get me nowhere in life.  No one knows where I bought my deodorant or at what store I purchase the cereal I eat for breakfast (okay who are we kidding I eat cereal for lunch and dinner as well).   These are things I have put in my own way and told myself that I need to do things this way in order to feel good or to be happy yet I cannot (for the life of me) understand why I have put these barriers in place. 

If we’re being completely honest, I have been having certain struggles in my place of work that are making me a nervous wreck.  These concerns bring me to realize how I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life and bring about the unfortunate realization of how much harder those aspirations seem to be from where I currently am in my life.  Those close to me know that I have a tendency to push people away when I am going through a difficult situation and it is safe to say that I have stayed true to my pattern as of late.  It was brought to my attention that I am trying to change a lot about my life and I am trying to do it all at once.  This can be stressful and I am letting it consume my ability to function in my day to day life.  The other day, after a rather emotional day in the office, I sat in the hot tub at the gym and allowed myself a few moments to attempt relaxation.  While there, this elderly gentleman started chatting with me and within a few moments I learned that he use to work at my current place of business and that he as well use to do photography and the kicker was when he told me that he worked for Disney and knew Walt himself and began to tell me stories of their encounters.  I sat there in complete bewilderment. I had just had one of the worst days at work and out of nowhere I am meeting this man that has lead the exact life I want to lead.  On this particular day I had turned my phone off after leaving work and just requested to be left alone and to be honest I was rather annoyed when this gentleman began interrupting my alone time but I needed the conversation that took place to happen at just that moment. It showed me I’m not doomed and that I can have these things I want so badly in life.  The goals I have set for myself are obtainable because I was sitting there listening to a man tell me how he has done all of the many things I plan to do with my life.  It was surreal and felt like one of those moments in the movies where your guardian angel comes to tell you a message and you turn around and they are gone in the blink of an eye. 

We must have hope. As with everything else in life, it is so much easier said than done but we must stop putting these barriers in place that prevent us from living more simply and finding joy in the little things that so easily can put a smile on our faces if we only give them the ability to do so.  We must stop considering our lives failures only because we are not able to see our current situation in hindsight or an immediate result.  As hard as our circumstances may seem, there is always at least a ray of light in the distance.  Things do turn out for the better and we must remember, as Walt himself always said, to “Keep Moving Forward.”  We never know when our outlook may change or when the rainclouds will part but we must be open to the possibility that today just might be that day.  And if we feel like drowning, like I very much do at this very moment, perhaps we should stop waiting for a flotation device and just start swimming for our lives.  These challenges we face are only what we allow them to be . . . so why do we put ourselves through the ringer, when all we need is not attend the boxing match.  Here’s to hoping we all find that ray of light sooner rather than later (or at least remember how to make our own flotation device out of our jeans like we were taught in boy scouts).

Opposition in all Things

In the course of the last month it seems major events are happening every day in the lives of many of my closest friends and family. My parents celebrated their 35^th wedding anniversary, friends are having babies, graduating with their masters, getting married and purchasing homes.  I truly embrace these moments and am so thankful to see good things happening to good people.  2015 seems to be turning up as a great year for some amazing people and I could not be happier for them.  While I feel as if certain aspects of my own life have been put on hold for the time being, these causes to celebrate have got me thinking and in true “Chris” fashion I have to put it into writing before I explode. 

As it does with almost everything, with the good comes the bad.  This little nasty tic we call opposition tends to find its way into almost every aspect of our lives and yet there are times we act surprised when it breaks up our course.  One fairly recent situation where opposition made the Utah news was when a select few decided to oppose sustaining the church leaders during the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints General Conference this spring.  I have had a few discussions in regards to this and I have found it interesting that some are angry that they chose this opportunity to stand and oppose.  These members had gone through the proper channels of speaking with their bishops and stake presidents and yet still didn’t feel as if they were being heard.  When President Dieter F. Uchtdorf took to the podium he asked if any opposed and these individuals took that opportunity to stand and do so.  It makes me wonder, however, with so many being angry that they made their voices heard during conference, when is the right time to take a stance and speak up for what you believe in?  It has been rather interesting speaking to family and friends about this particular event and hearing the differences of opinions.  I for one think that it was handled well and I hope the church speaks with those members who were brave enough to let it be known that they have questions.  Opposition is hard to face and from my stand point, it appears as if they are seeking answers and being told to quiet down. 

Being gay and having been raised in the LDS faith, I feel fortunate that I have that foundation to live my life off of. I feel it gave me a good understanding of my Father in Heaven and I’m grateful for that and the relationship I have with Him.  While I have stopped asking ‘why I am gay’ or ‘why this had to happen to me’, and embraced the life I have been given to live, I do still question a thing or two from time to time.  I watch the broadcasts and the reports the LDS Church puts out in reference to its LGBT members and I am concerned that they are simply trying to defend themselves rather than seek honest answers to some extent. For myself, I am not so much concerned about getting married in an LDS chapel or what my stance is with the priesthood, as much as it is with my eternal salvation.  I do believe life goes on after this life and I do believe that there are tiers of salvation.  One of my family members use to make comments that they were sad I would not be able to spend eternity with them.  My mother, being the amazingly witty person that she is, recently commented on this to me and said “You think any of us are going to be in the celestial kingdom? We’ll all be together, don’t you worry.” While I found this funny, I do hope to be with my family forever when that time comes no matter how bonkers we drive each other here on earth.
 

What I am currently contemplating is how I can apparently be damned from the get go for something I have no agency over. I did not choose to be gay, I have no agency over this matter and yet according to the LDS faith, if I dare act on this “ungodly” act, I will not make it to the highest kingdom.   For the sake of my soul this obviously concerns me.  On that same note, this is a religion that emphasizes the importance of finding love and growing a family unit as a foundation of one’s life and yet I am not supposed to take part in that.  This, more than anything, is what I wish I could find closure on.  The lack of agency and yet I seem to already have my fate decided for me.  It is a bleak and discouraging outlook according to what I have read or been told by members of the church however this is where I know God loves his children and I am not some forgotten black sheep that has no hope.  As much as I would love to see the leaders of the LDS church tackle that question, I continue to prepare myself that this may be one of those things I simply never know the answer to in this life.  Let me state yet again, as I have in previous posts, that I do not hold ill will towards the church. I grew up in this religion, I served two years of my life preaching of my testimony that God lives and that part has not changed for me, nor will it.  That being said, I do not hold myself accountable to the Mormon lifestyle for some obvious and some not so obvious reasons.

There is no genie in a lamp, no wishes to be granted, yet we all find ourselves in those inevitable spots in life where we seek for miracles or specific blessings. I hope one day I can celebrate a 35^th wedding anniversary or have children of my own as I have watched so many others experience.  I do not think these desires make me a bad person nor do I think they would cause harm in this world.  I also do not think that a loving Father in Heaven would want me to abandon those dreams either.  As happy as I am for the many great memories being made this year in my family and friends’ lives, I hope one day they will have the opportunity to be as happy for me. Until then … I’ll keep hunting for that magic lamp.

A Pinch of Intention

Intent. This seemingly innocent idea has become somewhat of a four letter word for me lately.  According to Webster’s Dictionary, Intent is the thing that you plan to do or achieve; an aim or purpose.  The state of mind with which an act is done.  The law even takes it so far as to add that it is the determination to perform a particular act or to act in a particular manner for a specific reason.  While I find it hard to believe that people in my life are intentionally attempting to hurt one another, I have found as of late, that intentions are the unspoken truths behind so many pros and cons in life. Whether it is a relationship with a significant other, a family member a friend or even a colleague, we have intentions behind why we do and say the things that we do and if the individual on the receiving end is unaware of those intentions, no matter how pure they may be, the results may be a hard pill to swallow.

I have always been the kind of person who loves to curl up and watch a movie. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first time I’m seeing it in the theater or if I’m watching it for the tenth time at home on my couch.  When watching a movie over again, I’ve noticed lately that what I am looking for more than the quality of the story is to perhaps feel whatever emotion was evoked the first time I had watched the particular film.  It’s no secret that I’m an emotional guy as anyone that knows me can attest to, so logically I would not want to watch Marley & Me if I’m looking for a good laugh.  Along with watching and re-watching my favorite flicks, I thoroughly love to watch old TV shows. Shows such as Leave it to Beaver, Gilligan’s Island and Brady Bunch (to name a few) confirm that I should have lived in the 1950’s when Astroturf was a must and Disneyland had a $1 entrance fee. 

 In my last post, I mentioned how life has thrown some curve balls and how we shouldn’t take what we have for granted.  As emotional as I can get (queue the eye rolls), I have felt oddly numb as I have swung at the pitches thrown my way.  Watching these overwhelmingly cheesy and naïve television shows or dramatic movies has been the only thing that has brought me to strike up some sort of emotion. Perhaps I am watching them to remind myself that it is still possible to feel or that I am even alive or in hopes to spark something within myself.

As I have found myself running in circles, my eyes have been opened to others going through similar or even more hurtful scenarios and it has been interesting to watch how they cope. Some hide the pain better than others while some jump on the defense and act out.  There are times when we may roll with the punches and there are times we may find the need to stand up and fight for what we believe in. Throughout the last few years, I have had a lot of growing up to do and am certainly at fault for reacting to situations before thinking some of them through.  It truly is a balancing act of when to make your point known and when to allow for something that has hurt you to roll off your shoulders and find a way to keep moving forward.  As words and actions may, at times, cut like daggers, our perspective has a tendency to keep us prisoner for that moment in time.   A very forgiving and important person in my life has helped me to look beyond resorting to my defense mechanism and to search for the intent of the person who has offended or caused the damage.  It is from my experience and understanding that as humans, communication is key to having a healthy relationship and too often our intentions are misunderstood.   Yet even after acknowledging this as a problem it is difficult to find a more permanent solution when in the middle of a hardship or as some would say “In the thick of it.” 

While I have continued in therapy,  it has been life changing to acknowledge how my childhood has thus far affected my adulthood (not to say I had a difficult upbringing).  I had amazing friends, was involved in theater and while I was the victim of being the youngest child to two older sisters, I wouldn’t change any of it.  I was taught to love one another and to do unto others as I want others to do unto me.  I feel fortunate that the memories of my youth are ones of joy and happiness. That being said, we all have our wounds that never properly healed. Those moments we still remember and in moments of weakness tend to reflect upon.  There have been memories and instances that to this day I have been holding individuals accountable for.  What an eye opening experience it has been to realize that in those moments of memorable offense (in my eyes) there was often no intent of such harm towards me.  While this may seem so simple, it has truly made me wake up and smell the roses in my own little way.  It is safe to say that therapy will forever be a much welcomed part of my life from here on out so as to continue learning how to live with more open minded perspectives.

In my quest to feel emotions by watching movies, I remembered my mother watching Hope Floats when I was younger and I decided to add this one to my list.   Just before the credits begin at the end of the movie, Sandra Bullock’s character says something that has stuck with me; “Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad but it’s the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself back at the beginning.” 

In many ways, I now see myself back at the beginning.  I have learned that it is no one else’s responsibility to make sure that I am happy.  It is up to me to make my life what I want of it.  I feel a sense of excitement as I have made necessary changes that I didn’t know I needed to previously make.  No matter what has happened in my life, I am a better man today for them and consider myself blessed for the influences and support of those that I have in my corner.  Not to dwell on the whole “therapy” thing but one last concept I’ll bring up that I’ve found helpful is to stop comparing my life to others in regards to what is and isn’t considered “Normal.”  I grew up believing that the only way to have true happiness was to live my life a certain way.  This dogma came in part from my religion and in part on what society deems acceptable.  As an adult, I have learned that it is up to me to find my own “normal.” I get to choose how to live my life and because my parents did a good job with my sisters and me, I am able to choose right from wrong.  I know I have offended and even hurt people in my life.  I have made remarks that make me a hypocrite and I have judged without knowing the full story.  I often have a difficult time articulating what I am trying to say in person and have put my foot in my mouth too many times to count. To those I have hurt, please accept my apology.  We all have a life to live without anyone making anything any harder on us in our journeys.

My life is certainly not where I want it to be right now. But I intend to change that.

Lessons I've Learned

It is rarely a welcomed response when reality decides to pay a visit.  For some it may be a moment to turn and hide while others choose, rather courageously, to face it head on.  Within the last few months, I have been forced to look beyond the sign in my front room encouraging me to pray when life brings me to my knees, and actually face the challenges that have come my way.  As reality often does, it comes when you think you are on the top of the world.  As of last August, I thought I had my life all figured out. I was under the impression that I had beat the odds and made a life for myself that included a great job, a roof over my head with 2 furry children to call my own and the love of my life having said yes to marriage.  How silly we are when we take what we have for granted.

While life has thrown me some curve balls as of late, I have had the opportunity throughout these battles to face some demons. I have been going to therapy and learning how to deal with life in different ways rather than by repeating the same patterns and driving myself to a point of insanity.  Lessons have come to the forefront that have taught me to have tolerance and compassion. I have also had to face the thing I’ve been scared most to learn about in this world; myself. 

While tolerance is not a new concept for me, a recent experience reminded me that it goes both ways.  A few weeks ago, some very close people in our lives were scheduled to visit our home for dinner. There are photos of Nick and myself up on the walls in our home and about an hour before these guests 
arrived, we received a phone call requesting that a particular photo of us holding hands be taken down or these guest’s children would not be brought over.  When we came out to friends and family, a very real fear was that we would not be able to be as close to the children in our lives and this scenario brought all of that to fruition.  As photos came down, I decided not to stay for dinner since I knew the words I had for these guests would not help the situation on this particular night.  I know myself well enough that I would have spoken up and stood up for my family unit in this case rather than dealing with it at a later time. Members of my family have referred to me as a firecracker since I have a tendency to set things off and while my personality may come off as being a little strong in these instances, I came to a realization that I have to be tolerant as well. I have to be tolerant of those who are intolerant towards my lifestyle or who are unwilling to see things from another’s point of view.  Perhaps they are scared to face reality themselves and along with heavy subjects such as religion and death, maybe love is also a scary topic for these parents to discuss with their children because they would have to face those matters within themselves first.  While I realized that I need to be tolerant of others, as I ask them to be tolerant of me, let it be known that I will never take another photo off a wall again to allow someone the opportunity to devalue me and my life because they aren’t willing to face their own issues. Side by side to my lesson in tolerance was a lesson in compassion. A show recently aired that was filmed here in Salt Lake that documents LDS families who live with “SSA” or “Same Sex Attraction.” While I have my own opinions and views of this matter, it is hard to judge these people for choosing to live their lives the way that they are.  While the term ‘same sex attraction’ is something I struggle with in terms of the church, I will not judge these families for the way they live their lives just as I will ask those who know me not to judge the way I live mine.  Moral of the story; Tolerance, like judgment, is a fickle b!@#h thing.

Along with these lessons in reality, the hardest battles that have been fought have been to save my relationship.  Every relationship has its own struggles and ours has been no exception.  The details of our struggles will remain between the two of us but what I feel comfortable sharing is that love is love. The hardships that we face are no different than those that our families or friends have faced. While there are certainly some differences, it is all love none the less.  At the risk of sounding like a couch potato who just watches TV shows all day, I was recently watching a show that centers on a family going through changes that deal in part with LGBT issues.  A comment that was made in one of the first episodes was the father to his daughter who is struggling with depression and he says “How difficult it must be when someone points out the thing we are trying to hide the most.”  As a 27 year old man, I have lived the majority of my life afraid of people finding out a secret that I was trying so hard to hide above all else.  It is always a little annoying when someone finds out I am gay and their response is “I always knew” because I tried so hard to hide that. Now, years later, I refuse to live a life where I am pretending to be something that I am not anymore. I lived that for far too long to have any energy towards keeping up any sort of charade these days. How liberating it has been to be the real version of myself and have those closest to me know that once dark secret that held me back.  

We all have our battle wounds or little secrets we never want the world to see.  But that is in part what life is all about.  We learn from these hardships and we either grow from them or we allow the wounds to define us.  I have had the opportunity to look at myself in a new light as I have gone through therapy and different resources to begin a healing process I should have embarked on a long time ago. I have allowed my mistakes to define me and I finally feel free from some of the heaviest burdens I have carried.  Reality will forever be a challenge for me. Perhaps that’s why I love Disney so much because it allows me to escape so easily. Nonetheless I have my own mountains to climb as do each and every one of us. My hope is that we will all stop being so cynical towards each other and maybe attempt to be a little more understanding of one another’s decisions.  There is no manual here and the world is not such a black and white place.  While I am so very unsure what the future holds for me in this moment in time, I know that I will be a better version of myself for what I have gone through within these last few months.  Here's to hoping change doesn't have to be such a hard thing in 2015. 

Game Changer

To be LDS and gay raises an unbelievable amount of questions in one’s journey to finding themselves. Having decided for myself that a life of loneliness was not for me and having found that special someone that I love more than anything, the next step in our relationship seemed only logical. The only question on my end was how to approach my family with what I had in store.

It is funny how life can take you down paths you never thought were possible. I remember growing up always telling myself that a mission wasn't for me and yet when the time came, I knew it was what I needed to do.    When I moved back home from Detroit, I tried to convince myself that I could marry a woman and lie about who I really was for the rest of my life.  I tend to not be the most realistic person with my dreams for the future, however, in this case I knew I could not do that to another person. Marriage to a woman being out of the picture, I realized I needed to admit to myself who I really was and I needed to find my peace with it.  It was around this time that I met my partner, Nicholas. We have been together for over 5 years and together we have moved into a house, purchased vehicles, combined finances and we have two furry dog children we are fortunate to call our own.  We have a life together and we have plans for our future and those plans include becoming a family and extending it as well.  Call us old fashioned but we agreed that marriage needed to come into play before we consider extending our family unit. With it being our 5 year mark, if we were a normal LDS couple we would have already been engaged 4 years and 10 months prior but obviously our situation needed a little more time. (ha ha!)

Knowing that I wanted to propose, I began planning back in May. Anyone that knows me is more than aware that I get an idea in my head and my OCD comes out and enforces that every detail is planned to perfection.  The first step was deciding how and where to pop the question.  I like to do big extravagant gestures and Nick hates any sort of attention so that meant the flash mob was out of the picture (kidding … kind of).  I decided on San Diego, a place we both travel to frequently and love.  Having been planning since May, the night before the trip finally came and Nick surprisingly still had no idea for what was in store. I’m not the greatest at keeping secrets, especially when they are as big as a vacation let alone a proposal so you can imagine my surprise that I had pulled this off. I told him at 10pm Thursday night and we flew out early the next morning.  Still unaware of the true reason for the trip other than it was for our 5^th year anniversary, I took Nick to dinner on Friday and then we found our way to the Sunset Cliffs near Point Loma. I had found a picture of a couple proposing in this area and knew it was exactly where I wanted to do it. I had a photographer waiting who was secretly taking pictures of us and as we pulled up I could see him already in position. We had to climb down this steep cliff which ends by you having to repel down about 15 – 20 feet by a rope that is just wrapped around a rock. Once we made our way to the spot, I knelt down and asked Nick to marry me. Once he said yes, I introduced him to Derek, the photographer, and we had a little photo session.  While I was in the process of booking a photographer it was amazing the similarities we had with Derek and after meeting him in person the similarities continued to amaze us. He was the perfect man for the job and we could not have been more impressed with the outcome. Everything went perfect, everything worked out, and of course, he said yes.  The next night we celebrated with friends who were also in San Diego and the day following he took the lead and surprised me by taking us up to Disneyland for the day. It truly was the perfect weekend.

The reactions have been interesting to say the least.  Some who seemed fine with us being a couple have asked “But why do you have to get married?”  I’d simply like to address that here in case there may be more who are wondering that same thing.  For many of you, it’s easy to date and decide that you want to marry your best friend and live the rest of your lives together, maybe even eternity.  To be married means that we are committing to each other for the rest of our lives. We are deciding that we want to have a companionship and be there for each other just like any other married couple.  There are obvious benefits such as for tax purposes or perhaps if there is ever an unfortunate event and one of us is in the hospital, this will allow the other to be there without question.  When it comes to the religious side of things, we are not asking for this to be looked at in the eyes of the church.  I am a firm believer that we do not know everything that will happen after this life and we are aware this may not be an eternal situation. However, while we are going through this life, we have each other and we can have a family and we can make a difference for the better.  We are good guys, simply trying to be better and help each other on this journey.  There is obviously a lot of individuals who disagree with same sex marriage and I am more than welcome to answer any questions or concerns that some may have.  We are not trying to change anyone's religion, we are not going to affect anyone else’s marriage, and yet the big concern is that if we allow “gays” to marry than where does it end.  I will address this topic at another time but for now I will simply say that it is hard at times to digest the hardness and pain of other people’s hurtful words. I wish there was a greater peace and understanding between all of us and dare I say a more Christian approach.

I could not be happier at this time in my life. I have a fiancé, a great job, a roof over my head and I am more than aware how blessed and fortunate I am for these circumstances.  I am so very grateful for my family and friends that have been supportive or who have taken the time to approach me with concerns by being able to have adult conversations. It means the world to us when people want to understand or want to be there for us.  I love this man. I love his character and his drive. I love his ambition to do right by me and by his family. I love who he is when no one is watching and the love and concern he has for anyone he comes in contact with. I am so very happy to now call Nick my fiancé and to plan for our wedding. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with this incredible person.  Life has a way of working itself out and I can’t wait to see where life leads me us next!  WE’RE ENGAGED!

Here is the link for the video Derek made for us :) 

http://www.zenfolio.com/zf/core/embedvideo.aspx?p=190c81a1.11

Photography by Derek Chad Photography

www.derekchad.com
http://www.derekchad.com/blog/2014/8/chris-nick

Let's Start at the Beginning

I knew as a child that there was something different about me. I knew as a child that there were things I was feeling or experiencing that I shouldn't have been. I knew as a child that secrets would become a very real part of my life.

I grew up in a loving home in Murray, Utah where we were active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  This religion gave me the understanding of a Father in Heaven who loves me and watches over me and my loved ones. I learned the importance of the family unit and how my family can be together for all of time and eternity if we live the teachings of the gospel. I love this church and I am grateful for the spiritual guidance it has given me.  When I turned 19 years old, I left my comfortable home to serve a 2 year mission in Detroit, Michigan. Never have I been tested to show my faith as I was in this amazing place. I met the most amazing people and I had the most incredible experiences that changed my life for the better. To all those who I met on this journey, I am eternally grateful. You will never know the impact you all had on my life and I love you for that. As I returned home back to Utah, I became immediately aware of the harsh reality that awaited me; Finding a job, moving out of my parent’s home, and finding that special someone were all in store for me within a few months of my return.

The job came quick, and the plans to move out soon followed.  Everything seemed to be coming together for me. I even met that special someone that I would want to spend the rest of my life with and I was finding what it was like to be in love for the first time in my life. As happy as I was, and as much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, I felt I had to keep this joy locked down and hidden from my family and friends.  I was scared to admit to the world that I was am gay. 

I ask that you allow me to explain. At some point in our lives, we have all realized that members of the opposite sex don’t actually have “cooties,” as we grew up believing was the case!  Not by any decision of our own but by the internal clockwork that is inside each and every one of us, attractions begin and we each come into our own.  I have always been this way. I did not wake up one morning and decide to live this life style (that has so far proved to be a never ending struggle).  At the age of 23, circumstances arose, and I knew it was time to tell my family.  At this point in time, some of my family were involved with the church and others were not. I myself had stopped attending my church meetings and though my testimony remained intact, I was finally allowing myself to ask God those inevitable questions.  Pleading with God and asking him ‘Why me’ seemed to be a daily prayer that has yet to be answered.  I had contemplated how each member of my family would take the news and I was spot on with each of them.  I first told my sister and her husband. A couple weeks later I told my parents and the following week I told my other sister. Reactions were mixed and I could tell this was hard on every one of them. Comments were made that I had a disease or I had been parented incorrectly. Others felt that they were to blame or that this was a reflection on them in some way.  As time often does, wounds were healed and my family has become a major support system. Throughout the last few months, I have had conversations with those closest to me and I have explained my life to them. Letting them in on this secret that has consumed my life for well over 26 years and I have been able to feel their support and have been able to discuss many of their concerns.

While I was on my mission, my Mission President and his wife taught us to be selective with what we were asking of our Father in Heaven in our prayers. We had a mission theme to look for the miracles that were taking place all around us. Taking this to heart, I learned to stop playing the martyr card and stop asking God “Why Me” so often and instead ask how I may be an instrument or a vessel in using this to help others.  I don’t know why some of us are born with trials that have no explanation. I only know that we are charged with the task of making this world a more compassionate place and while there have been some rough patches, I look forward to the day when I don’t have to feel like my life needs to be explained to anyone. I look forward to the day when I don’t have to say that I have a ‘Better Half’ without cringing inside and wondering what judgments that person is placing upon me in their mind.  I look forward to the day when I will have the answers that I so badly seek on this Earth. Until then, I wait, and I live my life. I have decided to not hide in the shadows in fear that someone else may be uncomfortable with my lifestyle. I refuse to keep my life a secret so as to not allow anyone to feel they have the “upper hand” on me because I am a gay man. I have decided to be happy and to be me.  I have established a life with someone that I love and we have goals and dreams for our future just like any other couple. 

I am grateful for my family and friends that have been with me as I have fought through some of these battles.  I am grateful for the life I have been given. My intention with this blog is not to pretend how perfect life can be and post all the good moments but to share my story and if that helps one person feel like they aren't alone in this world, then I've done my duty. We are all going through this together, whether we be gay, straight, white or black (although I hate titles).  For those that feel like they should unfollow me in social media for this, I wish you the best and I accept that this may be hard to understand.  For those of you who know me, nothing has changed. You have already come to know the real me. Now you just know the full story.  I am who I am, I've always been me, and I hope that you can accept me for who I am.   

I felt as a child that there was something different about me. I felt as a child that there were things I was feeling or experiencing that I shouldn't have been.  I now know that secrets don’t have to be a part of my life, and because of this, I can now live my life the way I see fit; happily.