Lessons I've Learned

It is rarely a welcomed response when reality decides to pay a visit.  For some it may be a moment to turn and hide while others choose, rather courageously, to face it head on.  Within the last few months, I have been forced to look beyond the sign in my front room encouraging me to pray when life brings me to my knees, and actually face the challenges that have come my way.  As reality often does, it comes when you think you are on the top of the world.  As of last August, I thought I had my life all figured out. I was under the impression that I had beat the odds and made a life for myself that included a great job, a roof over my head with 2 furry children to call my own and the love of my life having said yes to marriage.  How silly we are when we take what we have for granted.

While life has thrown me some curve balls as of late, I have had the opportunity throughout these battles to face some demons. I have been going to therapy and learning how to deal with life in different ways rather than by repeating the same patterns and driving myself to a point of insanity.  Lessons have come to the forefront that have taught me to have tolerance and compassion. I have also had to face the thing I’ve been scared most to learn about in this world; myself. 

While tolerance is not a new concept for me, a recent experience reminded me that it goes both ways.  A few weeks ago, some very close people in our lives were scheduled to visit our home for dinner. There are photos of Nick and myself up on the walls in our home and about an hour before these guests 
arrived, we received a phone call requesting that a particular photo of us holding hands be taken down or these guest’s children would not be brought over.  When we came out to friends and family, a very real fear was that we would not be able to be as close to the children in our lives and this scenario brought all of that to fruition.  As photos came down, I decided not to stay for dinner since I knew the words I had for these guests would not help the situation on this particular night.  I know myself well enough that I would have spoken up and stood up for my family unit in this case rather than dealing with it at a later time. Members of my family have referred to me as a firecracker since I have a tendency to set things off and while my personality may come off as being a little strong in these instances, I came to a realization that I have to be tolerant as well. I have to be tolerant of those who are intolerant towards my lifestyle or who are unwilling to see things from another’s point of view.  Perhaps they are scared to face reality themselves and along with heavy subjects such as religion and death, maybe love is also a scary topic for these parents to discuss with their children because they would have to face those matters within themselves first.  While I realized that I need to be tolerant of others, as I ask them to be tolerant of me, let it be known that I will never take another photo off a wall again to allow someone the opportunity to devalue me and my life because they aren’t willing to face their own issues. Side by side to my lesson in tolerance was a lesson in compassion. A show recently aired that was filmed here in Salt Lake that documents LDS families who live with “SSA” or “Same Sex Attraction.” While I have my own opinions and views of this matter, it is hard to judge these people for choosing to live their lives the way that they are.  While the term ‘same sex attraction’ is something I struggle with in terms of the church, I will not judge these families for the way they live their lives just as I will ask those who know me not to judge the way I live mine.  Moral of the story; Tolerance, like judgment, is a fickle b!@#h thing.

Along with these lessons in reality, the hardest battles that have been fought have been to save my relationship.  Every relationship has its own struggles and ours has been no exception.  The details of our struggles will remain between the two of us but what I feel comfortable sharing is that love is love. The hardships that we face are no different than those that our families or friends have faced. While there are certainly some differences, it is all love none the less.  At the risk of sounding like a couch potato who just watches TV shows all day, I was recently watching a show that centers on a family going through changes that deal in part with LGBT issues.  A comment that was made in one of the first episodes was the father to his daughter who is struggling with depression and he says “How difficult it must be when someone points out the thing we are trying to hide the most.”  As a 27 year old man, I have lived the majority of my life afraid of people finding out a secret that I was trying so hard to hide above all else.  It is always a little annoying when someone finds out I am gay and their response is “I always knew” because I tried so hard to hide that. Now, years later, I refuse to live a life where I am pretending to be something that I am not anymore. I lived that for far too long to have any energy towards keeping up any sort of charade these days. How liberating it has been to be the real version of myself and have those closest to me know that once dark secret that held me back.  

We all have our battle wounds or little secrets we never want the world to see.  But that is in part what life is all about.  We learn from these hardships and we either grow from them or we allow the wounds to define us.  I have had the opportunity to look at myself in a new light as I have gone through therapy and different resources to begin a healing process I should have embarked on a long time ago. I have allowed my mistakes to define me and I finally feel free from some of the heaviest burdens I have carried.  Reality will forever be a challenge for me. Perhaps that’s why I love Disney so much because it allows me to escape so easily. Nonetheless I have my own mountains to climb as do each and every one of us. My hope is that we will all stop being so cynical towards each other and maybe attempt to be a little more understanding of one another’s decisions.  There is no manual here and the world is not such a black and white place.  While I am so very unsure what the future holds for me in this moment in time, I know that I will be a better version of myself for what I have gone through within these last few months.  Here's to hoping change doesn't have to be such a hard thing in 2015. 

Game Changer

To be LDS and gay raises an unbelievable amount of questions in one’s journey to finding themselves. Having decided for myself that a life of loneliness was not for me and having found that special someone that I love more than anything, the next step in our relationship seemed only logical. The only question on my end was how to approach my family with what I had in store.

It is funny how life can take you down paths you never thought were possible. I remember growing up always telling myself that a mission wasn't for me and yet when the time came, I knew it was what I needed to do.    When I moved back home from Detroit, I tried to convince myself that I could marry a woman and lie about who I really was for the rest of my life.  I tend to not be the most realistic person with my dreams for the future, however, in this case I knew I could not do that to another person. Marriage to a woman being out of the picture, I realized I needed to admit to myself who I really was and I needed to find my peace with it.  It was around this time that I met my partner, Nicholas. We have been together for over 5 years and together we have moved into a house, purchased vehicles, combined finances and we have two furry dog children we are fortunate to call our own.  We have a life together and we have plans for our future and those plans include becoming a family and extending it as well.  Call us old fashioned but we agreed that marriage needed to come into play before we consider extending our family unit. With it being our 5 year mark, if we were a normal LDS couple we would have already been engaged 4 years and 10 months prior but obviously our situation needed a little more time. (ha ha!)

Knowing that I wanted to propose, I began planning back in May. Anyone that knows me is more than aware that I get an idea in my head and my OCD comes out and enforces that every detail is planned to perfection.  The first step was deciding how and where to pop the question.  I like to do big extravagant gestures and Nick hates any sort of attention so that meant the flash mob was out of the picture (kidding … kind of).  I decided on San Diego, a place we both travel to frequently and love.  Having been planning since May, the night before the trip finally came and Nick surprisingly still had no idea for what was in store. I’m not the greatest at keeping secrets, especially when they are as big as a vacation let alone a proposal so you can imagine my surprise that I had pulled this off. I told him at 10pm Thursday night and we flew out early the next morning.  Still unaware of the true reason for the trip other than it was for our 5^th year anniversary, I took Nick to dinner on Friday and then we found our way to the Sunset Cliffs near Point Loma. I had found a picture of a couple proposing in this area and knew it was exactly where I wanted to do it. I had a photographer waiting who was secretly taking pictures of us and as we pulled up I could see him already in position. We had to climb down this steep cliff which ends by you having to repel down about 15 – 20 feet by a rope that is just wrapped around a rock. Once we made our way to the spot, I knelt down and asked Nick to marry me. Once he said yes, I introduced him to Derek, the photographer, and we had a little photo session.  While I was in the process of booking a photographer it was amazing the similarities we had with Derek and after meeting him in person the similarities continued to amaze us. He was the perfect man for the job and we could not have been more impressed with the outcome. Everything went perfect, everything worked out, and of course, he said yes.  The next night we celebrated with friends who were also in San Diego and the day following he took the lead and surprised me by taking us up to Disneyland for the day. It truly was the perfect weekend.

The reactions have been interesting to say the least.  Some who seemed fine with us being a couple have asked “But why do you have to get married?”  I’d simply like to address that here in case there may be more who are wondering that same thing.  For many of you, it’s easy to date and decide that you want to marry your best friend and live the rest of your lives together, maybe even eternity.  To be married means that we are committing to each other for the rest of our lives. We are deciding that we want to have a companionship and be there for each other just like any other married couple.  There are obvious benefits such as for tax purposes or perhaps if there is ever an unfortunate event and one of us is in the hospital, this will allow the other to be there without question.  When it comes to the religious side of things, we are not asking for this to be looked at in the eyes of the church.  I am a firm believer that we do not know everything that will happen after this life and we are aware this may not be an eternal situation. However, while we are going through this life, we have each other and we can have a family and we can make a difference for the better.  We are good guys, simply trying to be better and help each other on this journey.  There is obviously a lot of individuals who disagree with same sex marriage and I am more than welcome to answer any questions or concerns that some may have.  We are not trying to change anyone's religion, we are not going to affect anyone else’s marriage, and yet the big concern is that if we allow “gays” to marry than where does it end.  I will address this topic at another time but for now I will simply say that it is hard at times to digest the hardness and pain of other people’s hurtful words. I wish there was a greater peace and understanding between all of us and dare I say a more Christian approach.

I could not be happier at this time in my life. I have a fiancé, a great job, a roof over my head and I am more than aware how blessed and fortunate I am for these circumstances.  I am so very grateful for my family and friends that have been supportive or who have taken the time to approach me with concerns by being able to have adult conversations. It means the world to us when people want to understand or want to be there for us.  I love this man. I love his character and his drive. I love his ambition to do right by me and by his family. I love who he is when no one is watching and the love and concern he has for anyone he comes in contact with. I am so very happy to now call Nick my fiancé and to plan for our wedding. I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with this incredible person.  Life has a way of working itself out and I can’t wait to see where life leads me us next!  WE’RE ENGAGED!

Here is the link for the video Derek made for us :) 

http://www.zenfolio.com/zf/core/embedvideo.aspx?p=190c81a1.11

Photography by Derek Chad Photography

www.derekchad.com
http://www.derekchad.com/blog/2014/8/chris-nick

Let's Start at the Beginning

I knew as a child that there was something different about me. I knew as a child that there were things I was feeling or experiencing that I shouldn't have been. I knew as a child that secrets would become a very real part of my life.

I grew up in a loving home in Murray, Utah where we were active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  This religion gave me the understanding of a Father in Heaven who loves me and watches over me and my loved ones. I learned the importance of the family unit and how my family can be together for all of time and eternity if we live the teachings of the gospel. I love this church and I am grateful for the spiritual guidance it has given me.  When I turned 19 years old, I left my comfortable home to serve a 2 year mission in Detroit, Michigan. Never have I been tested to show my faith as I was in this amazing place. I met the most amazing people and I had the most incredible experiences that changed my life for the better. To all those who I met on this journey, I am eternally grateful. You will never know the impact you all had on my life and I love you for that. As I returned home back to Utah, I became immediately aware of the harsh reality that awaited me; Finding a job, moving out of my parent’s home, and finding that special someone were all in store for me within a few months of my return.

The job came quick, and the plans to move out soon followed.  Everything seemed to be coming together for me. I even met that special someone that I would want to spend the rest of my life with and I was finding what it was like to be in love for the first time in my life. As happy as I was, and as much as I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, I felt I had to keep this joy locked down and hidden from my family and friends.  I was scared to admit to the world that I was am gay. 

I ask that you allow me to explain. At some point in our lives, we have all realized that members of the opposite sex don’t actually have “cooties,” as we grew up believing was the case!  Not by any decision of our own but by the internal clockwork that is inside each and every one of us, attractions begin and we each come into our own.  I have always been this way. I did not wake up one morning and decide to live this life style (that has so far proved to be a never ending struggle).  At the age of 23, circumstances arose, and I knew it was time to tell my family.  At this point in time, some of my family were involved with the church and others were not. I myself had stopped attending my church meetings and though my testimony remained intact, I was finally allowing myself to ask God those inevitable questions.  Pleading with God and asking him ‘Why me’ seemed to be a daily prayer that has yet to be answered.  I had contemplated how each member of my family would take the news and I was spot on with each of them.  I first told my sister and her husband. A couple weeks later I told my parents and the following week I told my other sister. Reactions were mixed and I could tell this was hard on every one of them. Comments were made that I had a disease or I had been parented incorrectly. Others felt that they were to blame or that this was a reflection on them in some way.  As time often does, wounds were healed and my family has become a major support system. Throughout the last few months, I have had conversations with those closest to me and I have explained my life to them. Letting them in on this secret that has consumed my life for well over 26 years and I have been able to feel their support and have been able to discuss many of their concerns.

While I was on my mission, my Mission President and his wife taught us to be selective with what we were asking of our Father in Heaven in our prayers. We had a mission theme to look for the miracles that were taking place all around us. Taking this to heart, I learned to stop playing the martyr card and stop asking God “Why Me” so often and instead ask how I may be an instrument or a vessel in using this to help others.  I don’t know why some of us are born with trials that have no explanation. I only know that we are charged with the task of making this world a more compassionate place and while there have been some rough patches, I look forward to the day when I don’t have to feel like my life needs to be explained to anyone. I look forward to the day when I don’t have to say that I have a ‘Better Half’ without cringing inside and wondering what judgments that person is placing upon me in their mind.  I look forward to the day when I will have the answers that I so badly seek on this Earth. Until then, I wait, and I live my life. I have decided to not hide in the shadows in fear that someone else may be uncomfortable with my lifestyle. I refuse to keep my life a secret so as to not allow anyone to feel they have the “upper hand” on me because I am a gay man. I have decided to be happy and to be me.  I have established a life with someone that I love and we have goals and dreams for our future just like any other couple. 

I am grateful for my family and friends that have been with me as I have fought through some of these battles.  I am grateful for the life I have been given. My intention with this blog is not to pretend how perfect life can be and post all the good moments but to share my story and if that helps one person feel like they aren't alone in this world, then I've done my duty. We are all going through this together, whether we be gay, straight, white or black (although I hate titles).  For those that feel like they should unfollow me in social media for this, I wish you the best and I accept that this may be hard to understand.  For those of you who know me, nothing has changed. You have already come to know the real me. Now you just know the full story.  I am who I am, I've always been me, and I hope that you can accept me for who I am.   

I felt as a child that there was something different about me. I felt as a child that there were things I was feeling or experiencing that I shouldn't have been.  I now know that secrets don’t have to be a part of my life, and because of this, I can now live my life the way I see fit; happily.