Letter to a Loved One

 Dear You,

You were the trusted one I came out to first.  You were my closest friend and confidant in this world, and I felt safest coming to you to hold my hand through the process of coming out.  I had to kill the version of me I had created for the world and allow my true self to finally be born and that is an isolating experience that no one can prepare you for.  Amid that process, I needed the safety blanket I believed your love offered and I sought solace in it as I took those initial & excruciatingly necessary first steps.  

Coming out truly was a rebirth and it opened my eyes to the harsh perspectives this world held on the LGBTQ+ community.  I had always been scared to be gay from my upbringing in the Mormon church and knowing their stance on what would become of me, but I had largely been shielded from what life outside of Mormonism looked like and that, in and of itself, was a wakeup call. 

They say when someone tells you who they are, to believe them.  When you tell your loved ones who you actually are, it is astounding to witness what they tell you back about themselves.  The difference is I literally had to tell my loved ones who I was - I had to say the words. On my end, I had to pick up cues, watch facial expressions and acknowledge the lack of reaching out to be told who you were. In time, however, words did come from you.  You told me it was unfortunate that we wouldn’t spend eternity together because I was choosing to live a gay lifestyle.  You told me your husband blamed my parents for me being gay.  That something they had done had caused me to turn out this way, as if they had altered my brain chemistry in some fashion.  You told me you didn’t want me to tell your children but rather that you would do it and that you did not want me involved in that process.  As time has passed, two of your children have commented to me “But you’re not like the people my dad talks about.”  Tell me, please, what I am supposed to do with that. 

Part of this experience on earth is to grow and to continue the evolution of ourselves.  Our perspectives shift, ideologies grow, and we learn what clicks for us as well as what does not.  What we deem to be priorities do not end up being the same level of priorities in those around us and that is what makes this world go around.  We learn from one another, we educate, and we give each other a reason to pause and reflect.  To cut to the chase, after coming out, politics became a very integral part of my perspective.  Largely, because at the time, my community was not allowed to marry.  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell had barely been removed and change was clearly on the horizon and so much was (is) at stake.  In the last decade, it has been clear that our points of view regarding politics are wildly different.  I never used to consider myself a Democrat.  I used to think I could look at both sides and see the good and maturely point out that the differences of opinions, if combined, could actually be the difference this world needs.  I then learned that the GOP Platform’s rulebook literally states that their belief stands that marriage is between a man and a woman.  With that being a part of the Republican party’s policy, I found myself vowing that I could not hold up that white flag any longer and declare the same stance that I had been all those years. One party sought equality for the LGBTQ+ community and the other was hard pressed to keep us from having what you all get to have, which is just civil rights, plainly and simply.

In the last decade, our perspectives have differed in an even greater sense, and I don’t need to explain to anyone else reading this what has politically changed in this country in that time frame.  You told me that it was obvious that I would be a Democrat because I was gay but that you held the republican belief because of your husband’s involvement in the military.  I’ll never forget when you said that to me and it has stuck with me ever since.  It was one of the first things that really caught me off guard with your viewpoint because you said it as if the Democratic party is anti-military or anti-support for our veterans and their families.  After 9/11, they passed the Post-9/11 GI Bill (2008) which expanded educational benefits for service members, allowing veterans and their dependents to attend college with substantial financial support, including tuition & housing.  They passed the Veterans Access, Choice and Accountability Act (2014), the Blue Water Navy Vietnam Veterans Act (2019), The Military Lending Act (2015), Family and Medical Leave for Military Families (2010), Honoring Our PACT Act (2022), National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) to name but a few.  The Democratic Party continues to fight for our military, veterans and their families so I’ve always tried to see why loving the military was the deterrent to not being a Democrat. 

When Trump was elected in 2016, it was a hard pill to swallow that you voted for a man who had made so many disparaging remarks towards the LGBTQ+ community. Knowing you voted in such a way that deliberately would have an impact on my life and my equality in this country was a line in the sand.  But ever the Mormon at heart, I took that line, and I turned the other cheek.  While our relationship has suffered from that first election, I have tried to mend and compartmentalize our bond vs our political viewpoints that divide us.  This has not been an easy feat and when we have political conversations, I have still worked on finding what we agree on rather than focusing on the differences.  When I moved home in 2021, our relationship did strengthen as a result of that and there was a fragment of our old bond that still shown through.  We were finding a new way to co-exist and while I still struggled on my end, I continued to compartmentalize in order to keep our relationship. 

As the campaign ignited for the 2024 election, our conversations lessened as we both know where we stand.  We went out one night to a bar and after being stiffed with the $200+ bill for you and your husband's food/alcohol, we talked in the parking lot for two hours about trans rights and your stance on the T in LGBTQ+ and I tried to answer questions and offer perspective.   I tried to explain how there is no example of a man using a women’s restroom while posing as a woman simply for perverse reasons.  I tried to explain how any FTM in a men’s restroom or MTF in the women’s restrooms are more at risk than anyone else in those situations.  I have lived my life feeling like I do not exist to a vast majority of the world’s population and that I am not deserving or feeling equal.  My trans family are often the bravest souls I have ever met because they have to take things to an extent that I often get to “hide” when I need to feel safe.  When I’m in a room where I know there is a general perspective towards the LGBTQ+, I get to choose if I’m going to speak up or not.  Trans people wear it on their sleeves.  They are brave enough to fight through the bullshit and work (every day) on being their authentic selves, even when it's exhausting. And it is so exhausting.  Never knowing what someone else may do to you or be saying behind your back.  If anyone is watching what vehicle you walk to after you leave a place and if they will slash your tires the next time you are there or if they may follow you after you leave.  To see the the uncomfortable glances people give you when they “figure you out” or to hear the snickering that takes place when a joke is said at your expense as a member of the LGBTQ+ community.  This is a small part of our daily lives, and the trans community endures it more than the rest of us - especially here in the judgemental and overpowering Mormon state which is Utah.  They are not in your bathrooms to make you feel uncomfortable.  They are there to try in the smallest way, to feel like they are exactly where they belong.  I can only imagine if I was constantly in a restroom or locker room where I felt like I did not belong.  So, for them to find the strength to do that, I assure you they are not interested in you or your daughter.  In fact, quite the opposite.  They are probably keeping to themselves and trying to cause as little awareness to their existence in there as possible and here you are making them feel less than all over again with your recently found conservative views that shock me coming from someone like yourself.  Someone who used to be so open-minded and loving towards all walks of life.  Someone who used to help those who felt like they didn’t belong or have a friend in the crowd, and you would bring them into your friend group.  I have to remind myself that was the old you.  Now your perspective, primarily on the trans community, is hateful and arrogant and is the very mindset that causes so many of our LGBTQ+ youth to feel like it’s a never-ending struggle and they will never be accepted.  No wonder Utah is consistently in the top ten in the United States for suicide deaths.  Suicide is the leading cause of death for Utah youth ages 10-17, second leading cause of death for ages 18-24 and 25-44, the fifth leading cause of death for ages 45-64 and across the entire state is the eighth leading cause of death.  I have never told you how I have had my own attempts at my own life.  Because when you feel there is no hope – when you feel the world doesn’t want you – you listen.  And unfortunately, you sometimes cannot stop listening. I grew up fearing what it would do to my loved ones if I chose to be my authentic homosexual self.  Choosing to lie and opress my own desires for my life to merely keep my loved ones from feeling that shame and pain of having a gay family member or friend.  It got to a place where I felt I had to take my own life because it was too hard to keep the charade up.  So I know first hand how hard it is to feel that it would be easier to take your own life rather than deal with the world accepting/not accepting you.  I ache for those in my community who cannot stop listening and give in to that terrible thought.  I ache for those who just want to find some normalcy in their own skin. The absolute hate that Donald J. Trump and his followers spew on a daily basis is abhorrent and I will not allow it in my life anymore by those I keep in my inner circle.

Since I know your stance is that he never did anything to take my rights away, let me enlighten you just a little how he rolled back and in some instances deleted LTBTQ+ rights that had been put in place by previous administrations.  (1) Within moments of the inauguration on January 20, 2017, Trump deleted all mentions of climate change on the official White House website along with a page devoted to LGBTQ+.  (2) In 2017 Trump announced a ban on transgender individuals serving in the U.S. military.  This ban was later implemented in 2019 with restrictions that they could still serve if they did so under the gender they were assigned at birth.  Which metaphorically would be like telling you that you can still be with your family in eternity as long as you pretend for the rest of your life that one of your children doesn't exist.  Or that you couldn't let anyone realize you got pregnant at 17 from a returned missionary.  (It's a piece of your core being and self that the world wants you to keep away from them because it makes THEM uncomfortable). (3) He took steps to reverse protections  for LGBTQ+ people in healthcare and employment by redefining the Affordable Care Act's anti-discrimination protections to exclude LGBTQ+ people.  (4) The Department of Education, under Trump, rescinded guidelines allowing transgender students to use school bathrooms matching their gender identity.  (5) Religious exemptions were put into place which allowed businesses, healthcare providers, and social service providers to deny services to LGBTQ+ people if they felt it was against their religion.  Which opened the floodgates for businesses to deny service to LGBTQ+ simply if they felt like it.  (Imagine someone denying you service simply because you're a woman or because you have brown hair.)  (6) Trump's administration reversed Obama's efforts to make the promotion of LGBTQ+ rights a core part of U.S. foreign policy.  This led to further avoidance for explicit advocacy  for LGBTQ+ rights on an international level.  (7) Trump appointed a large number of judges to federal courts, including 3 Supreme Court justices.  These appointees have track records about ruling against LGBTQ+ issues, particularly around religious exemptions and other civil rights protections. (But don't worry, you still get those civil right protections so you don't need to worry about these.)  (8) He slashed global funding for HIV prevention and treatment.  (9) He has repeatedly suggested the desire to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, which could  eliminate critical healthcare protections for seniors, pregnant patients, and people with disabilities as well as LGBTQ+ people.  (10) Because of Trump's Supreme Court justice appointees and comments made to return to the topic of same-sex marriage, states like California, Colorado and Hawaii are already putting safeguards into place should the Supreme Court ever target the landmark human rights case 'Obergefell v. Hodges'.  I would kindly ask you to look into that case if you are not familiar with what I am referencing. My right to even be married in this country has only been legal for 9 years and it is already up for question again.  The right to marry a partner also aids in reasons such as healthcare, insurance and should my partner or I ever have an accident - we can take care of one another in the same way you would be able to take care of your husband.  Without it, I'd simply look like a roommate. Aside from using the LGBTQ+ community as a series of jokes at dozens of rallys during his campaign, these examples and many more are why my community is extremely fearful of what our futures look like.  You see, it's not just what the next four years look like but the people he is putting into place in these roles, such as the Supreme Court justices, are lifelong duties and things they decide against my community could, and will, affect the rest of my life.  

 

In the weeks leading up to November 5^th, I came across an account on social media that I saw you follow.  This account deliberately had anti LGBTQ+ things posted and under each post, it showed me you had liked it.  I scrolled this account and went back years into their posts, and you had been liking anti-gay posts for years and years.  Posts telling me that I should be grateful for straight people because if it weren’t for you heterosexuals, I wouldn’t even exist. You see, it’s a funny joke because gay people can’t have kids on their own and live their lives in the same manner that the rest of you get to.  If we choose to have kids, it’s an earnest and costly decision often faced with persecution and the law that we have to fight through because your party does not see my community as being fit parents (which is Ironic with a capital I, if I’m being honest).  Seeing you like these posts absolutely ruined me.  I have truly never felt so betrayed or abandoned or disconnected from someone that I thought was in my corner helping to fight the fight with me.  It made me sit back and analyze everything about us.  I came to the conclusion that you must be compartmentalizing me in the same way that I have been you.  You don’t see me as my community.  You see me as Chris/CJ.  While there is nobility in that – for seeing me for me, you are also dismissing me.  I am proud to be LGBTQ+.   While you clearly view trans and gay rights as separate things, we are the same community, and we are one in the same.  You don’t get to compartmentalize me from them.  You don’t get to pretend that I’m different from them because I am not trans.  We are one community, and you need to realize that.  I have fought tooth and nail for the acceptance of those around me and to prove my worth to you all despite the often Mormon or Republican mindsets that are in my face on a daily basis.  I approached you when I caught you liking these posts and let you know how absolutely horrific I found it.  Let me be perfectly clear: You have become someone I do not know.  Every day (since I called you out) that you have not so much as attempted to call me and explain or communicate your reasons, it is exceedly louder and louder how little you care about me or to mend this. To anyone reading, let me put this into perspective - it has been months. 

 

Years ago, before I came out, an employee of mine had just bought a house and the week they moved into their home they came into work crying that they didn’t feel they could raise their kids in that neighborhood anymore because they realized there were gay people two houses down and what would that mean for the safety of their children?!  Years later, before moving to California, someone in my own neighborhood addressed me that they did not feel comfortable with my partner (at the time) and I living there.  Because of the stereotype and arrogance that people have towards gay people and because of these moments, it forever affected how I would interact with my own nephews and niece.  I never wanted anyone, even you,  to misconstrue my love and affection for my own family members because of what the world views gay people as.  And here you are – contributing to that rhetoric that we are those types of people. LGBTQ+ are not pedophiles and molesters.  Pedophiles and molesters are pedophiles and molesters.  Read those last two sentences again for me.  

 

At another time in my life, loved ones were set to come over for a dinner one night and we were called 30 minutes before we expected their arrival and told that children would not be allowed in the home unless we took photos off the wall (in my own home) of my partner and I.  Has anyone ever told you that if you want them in your house, you need to remove your own existence simply so they feel more comfortable?  You do not know discrimination like I have experienced, and I am in no way attempting to play the victim card.  I am proving my endurance through it all, despite the arrogance and vitriol.  Despite having the false pretense of your “support.”  You tell me you love me and then vote against me.   You tell me you love me and then like years worth of Instagram posts bashing me.  You tell me you love me and then prove why hate still exists from the world towards my community.  You do not get to have me in your life anymore when this is the reality you have chosen to create between us.  You do not get to cherry pick the issues and be upset now that I will no longer allow it.  I will no longer compartmentalize you and your MAGA lifestyle just as I ask you to no longer compartmentalize me and the LGBTQ+ community.  You will remain in my life now as a person I can no longer trust with my safety.  You will remain in my life but at arm’s length.  You will remain in my life, but you will never have a full relationship with me now that you have done what you have done.  While there are others in my life who also voted the same way that you did, I have held you to a different standard than everyone else for all these years and that ends today.  The person I came out to first would be the number one person I would fear coming out to now, and that is you. 

 

A while back, I reminded you of what you said to me when I came out. I reminded you that you told me we wouldn’t be together forever in eternity because I was gay.  While you have your own secrets you’ve kept from the world and your lifestyle has changed from that which is accepted within the Mormon church, I reminded you of these things to prove to you how it felt.  You asked me “Isn’t it great that people can change?”  It was an interesting response as I don’t think it was perceived how you meant it to be.  I know firsthand how great someone can change.  My father is a noble example of a man who can change for the better.  No one has my back the way that man does, despite things I heard him say about my community while I grew up in the theater world.  That man is a testament to how much a person can change and better themselves by giving actual love and support and not just saying it to my face and then voting against my rights.  I do believe you have changed but not in the way you may feel.  I do not know you anymore.  I know you have been working on finding this new version of yourself over these last few years but the deeper you go in that search; I fear you are falling further away from the person you are seeking.  I always laugh at the sheep that consider themselves lions.  When in fact, they are all in the same herd, following a man who would feed them to the wolves to protect himself in a heartbeat.  I would have done anything for you, and I have proven that through years of being there and showing up.  From helping with mortgage bills without being thanked, driving an hour out of my way and canceling an endless number of plans just to watch kids so you could go see a movie or get away for a minute.  I have shown up by searching for your cat for the better half of a year when everyone else gave up hope, but I continued to drive out and search your neighborhood day in and day out in the freezing cold. By giving you free family photos time and time again and never being compensated for my time and services which is rich seeing as your own husband taunts on social media how family should support family and then makes sure that invoice gets paid.   When you have needed to vent, and you’ve called me to talk about other loved ones that we share but I came to the realization that you never have a good thing to say about anyone you love anymore.  The old you would have found silver linings and would have vented about “this” or “that” but then moved on.  You live in that forever vent session now. You see yourself as better than the rest of us on all accounts.  You no longer see the good in those you “love” and you live in this constant state of hatred and condescension.  You live in that state of hatred that has grown larger than the love you use to exude – and we feel it. 

 

I write this as a letter of grief and mourning.  To other MAGA supporters, I’m sure it comes across as immature or me being a stereotypical, dramatic, Democratic gay guy.  But I write this as an end to the previous chapters of looking the other way.  I will no longer let people be fake supporters of my life.  I will no longer allow you into my home if you view my lifestyle as “lesser than" or vote against my safety and security in this nation.  I will not excuse your behavior or opinions any longer when countless people ask me how we manage to keep a relationship amid the political differences - because it’s officially gone beyond that.  This is not a difference of how to spend tax dollars but rather a moral battle of civil rights and your lack of awareness that mine are even at stake.  Your lack of reaching out to explain yourself or to try to help me understand where you may have been coming from is irrelevant at this point.  Nothing has hurt me more in my life than this relationship and what has become of it.  Nothing in my life has been a bigger loss to me than this specific relationship.  I wish I could go back to when I came out all over again and hold my own hand.  I wish I could go back to that version of me and open my eyes to how naïve I was in thinking you had my back.  I am finally strong enough to realize that our future will not have the bond I envisioned we would have.  I wish you luck.  I hope others in your life who are questioning their sexualities or are trying to find themselves are able to feel the love and acceptance my community will have for them despite how you, and people with your similar views make them feel.  I hope you take these perspectives, and you internalize them and think just why you have such strong opinions on these topics.  That you look inside yourself for the solace you seek and that you find the resolution you need.  There is a version of you in there before all of this took place, before Trump became important to you and before the harsh reality of the world left the marks on you that it has and I hope you find that little girl that is still in there and I hope you embrace her and give her the biggest hug and tell her you love and accept her for all that she was and still is and can be. 

 

I do and will forever love you- but that’s what makes this so necessary. 

 

-CJ

At a Loss

I live in a world where my rights have to be voted on.  Rights that have already been well established for any straight man or woman.  If I want to marry, the country has had to decide that.  If I want health benefits in my work place, the country has had to decide. if I want to adopt or foster a child, the country has had to decide if a gay man should be able to. If I feel unsafe and/or discriminated against, the country votes if those discriminations are valid or not.  You may live in a different world, where you don’t have to worry about those things, and I hope you understand the difference between your world and mine. 

It has been awhile since I have felt the need to sit down and write the thoughts and feelings swirling around inside my head.  I woke up this morning feeling an overwhelming need to express my perspective, fears and hopes in this format so please be patient with me as I do my best to convey the reasons this election seems so heavy to myself and so necessary to the LGBTQ+ community. 

I know we have come a long way towards equal rights in this country.  The last few years alone have shown how passionate America feels in regards to women being treated with respect, People of Color having the same rights as everyone else and the LGBTQ+ community having a seat at the table. I go back and forth on if I should express any political views on social media because of how toxic these platforms can become when something is taken out of context so forgive me if further emphasis needs to be made on anything I am about to say.  If there is confusion or question, please know my intention in writing this is to express my own perspective.  I can only speak for myself - and here I am feeling the need to do just that.

My social media feeds are often as humorous as they are unnerving.  It’s about a 50/50 split of gay guys vs Mormons and you can imagine the stark difference in perspective and viewpoints shared.  I love my Mormon friends and family - I have never attacked any of them for their beliefs and I am grateful for them being in my life.  All of them.  That being said, it has been hard to see so many Mormon friends and family members vote for Trump when he and his administration have done so much harm to the LGBTQ+ community.  Hearing that someone is either a Democrat or Republican has moved from being a point of conversation and intrigue to a battle cry when you learn someone sides with a party that makes it a point to attempt to make sure you are not given an equal chance in this country. 

Under Trump’s time in office (so far), this administration has:

• Proposed cutting $1.35 billion (29%) of PEPFAR’s (President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief) budget to fight AIDs.
• The LGBTQ+ liaison position in the WH was eliminated
• The LGBTQ+ community isn’t acknowledged in the Census
• Foster Care Programs are still allowed to discriminate against LGBTQ+ people/couples
• The day Trump was sworn in, he removed mention and representation of LGBTQ+ off the WH website.
• Pride Flags are not allowed to be hung at US Embassies during Pride month
• The US removed themselves from the U.N. Human Rights Council
• You can refuse service to a member of the LGBTQ+ at your business simply because you want to or based on religious reasons.
• Countless acts and regulations against Trans people. Including refusing equal health benefits and restrictions in the military (which was against military leaderships input).
• Supreme Court Justices that have taken Anti-LGBTQ+ stances have been appointed. 
• Obergefell v Hodges is still being debated where there are members of the Republican Party who feel that gay marriage should be removed. 

And that isn’t even half of it. 

The 2020 RNC platform opposes same-sex marriage and transgender military personnel while also supporting conversion therapy and the rights to discriminate against the LGBTQ+ community.   That is simply not okay. 

I have seen young (white male) voters post how this election doesn’t matter one way or the other for them.  How it will not change anything about their lives. How lucky it must be to not have your civil rights up for debate on every round of (both small and large scale) elections.  Some might even use the word ‘Privilege’ here and I won’t disagree with them. For those young voters who do not see why this election matters I urge them to look beyond themselves.  Look beyond the video gaming and what you’ll get back on your tax returns because these things matter more. Period. There is more on the line right now than if you are going to be mandated to wear a mask. That is a whole other topic for another day. (...insert Eye-roll)

It has baffled me that so many of my Mormon friends (and family) follow Trump when Biden is the Catholic and Trump is as religious as I am straight. It has baffled me that so many of my Mormon friends (and family) follow Trump when they hold such high moral standards and expectations and yet here is a man saying the things he does about women.  About fellow politicians.  About handicapped members of the press.  About what he would do to his own daughter if she wasn’t his daughter.  It has baffled me that so many of my Mormon friends (and family) follow Trump, an impeached (and proven) liar that currently has 26 sexual assault charges filed against him. But Joe Biden is the “creepy” one that makes you cringe.  Trump seems to be everything Mormon's are taught not to be … and yet.

When I hear that someone is voting for Trump - It feels personal.  A vote for Trump shows that (while you may not be racist or homophobic) you are voting for someone who does not see me as an equal and who has made that point clear in the actions he has taken … and not taken.  So forgive me when I say it feels personal.  It feels very personal.  While I agree we need to find a way to come together and move forward regardless of what this election decides, it will be hard for me to look beyond so much of what I have seen and felt.  

*Felt is the operative word in all honesty.  That is where I have to remind myself that feelings are not facts*

I saw a post on a social media page stating that this administration will end.  It may be in January 2021 or it may be in 4 years but it will end.  And when it ends we will see our acquaintances for the true colors they showed during these unprecedented times.  That goes on both sides.  This election has showed me that some of you are voting in favor of a party that doesn’t see my civil rights equal to your own.  That is difficult to understand. 

That is why another 4 years of Trump scares me.  That list I noted above doesn’t even scratch the surface.  (I have a list much larger than that but decided to only highlight a few points for you here.)  Those topics are only in regards to the LGBTQ+ community.  There are so many more issues at hand here and I urge everyone to not only look at what directly affects themselves but the collective whole (that’s me telling myself that as well).  I would love to have an open dialogue on what we need to do to be a more collective and unified people in this country.  Lord knows we need to be. 

Some of you may have valid points as to why you are a Republican.  I hope you hold those reasons with conviction and are able to reiterate those reasons better than I have been able to on this post.  May America truly find some way to move forward, understanding each other better.  Seeing the bigger picture for this country, together.  Having rights equal to one another without having to question those topics every 2 and 4 years on ballots. I am at a loss that I even feel the need to say we all must view each other as equals.  

We must do better. We must be better.  We must demand better.  

So we vote.  

The People We Once Were

At the age of 24, I sat each of my family members down individually and told them my truth. I told them my deep dark secret, knowing it would change everything. Even though I had already been in a relationship for a few years at this point, I was still very much naive to how coming out would forever impact my life. Not only did I not realize the depth of how it would change MY life, I also was blindly unaware of how it would alter the lives of my family and friends as well. But for the first time in my life, I was making a decision that I knew was in my best interest and no matter the repercussions, it had to be done.


We all make choices in our lives. Choices that effect not only ourselves but those around us and possibly even further depending on the choices made. While our intents may be pure, to each choice we make there is a cause and effect. Sometimes our choices causes pain and harm but we do not get to choose the consequences. All we get to choose is if we make the choice or not and then the ripples begin.

At 24, I was unable to keep up the lie anymore and I had to tell my loved ones that I was gay. I have made many choices that have effected my family throughout my life. From them sitting scared and confused in the waiting room of a police station to me leaving for two years while I served an LDS mission in Detroit and now me choosing to live away from them in California … I have put these people through a lot (to say the least). I am grateful that these events, along with so many others, have made us stronger and more compassionate towards one another. To think of how far my family has come and how understanding they now are is a tribute to what incredible and empathetic people they are. They have been forced to open their eyes and see things from a different point of view and they are each better people because of it. However, when I was 24, all I could think was how I had to end the bullshitting. I had to let go of the expectations my family had for my life and that my religion had placed upon me. I had to stop lying. Making that choice was harder than almost any other I have ever had to make.

In the years since coming out, I often wonder why I waited so long or why I held myself back. The main answer to that was, quite frankly, religion. Feeling as if there was something wrong with me and God wouldn’t let me through those pearly gates for being the man He had created. I was so scared that I was doing something unforgivable by being myself and allowing love into my life in a way that felt so natural. No matter my reasoning, I cannot blame religion or anything else on why I chose to hide or stay in the closet. I am accountable and the choices were mine. As odd as that realization has been, it is truth. I chose to lie, I chose to keep this aspect hidden (as best I could) from those around me. I chose to be in the closet and I obviously chose to eventually come out of that closet. But the choices, nevertheless, were mine to make.

While we all have the ability to make these choices, they tend to bring reality checks knocking at our door. I use to have a dream to live in California and work for Disney. Choosing to follow that dream has cost me everything (literally everything, California is as just as expensive as you think it is and then times that by 10). Jokes aside, I lost the life I once loved. The house I made my home, the dogs I loved with all my heart and even the guy. Perhaps people should be more honest about what it takes to chase a dream or there should be a book titled “Chasing Dreams for Dummies” because it is not always a Hollywood movie where everything turns out perfect in the end. That being said, I made a choice to not live my life with “what if” hovering above me and now I have to live with that.

With each choice we make, our perception shifts and we see the world a little brighter or a little darker depending on the results. I, myself, have noticed lately how darker I have allowed my perspective to become. I use to be care-free and I use to laugh so hard it hurt. I use to love life. I loved that version of me. Now, as I near 30, I find myself a much more anxious person and not nearly as care-free as I use to be (or would like to be). As I make new friends out here (and I have made some great ones) it makes me a little sad that they don’t know that side of me. They have met a more reserved and cautious version of that little boy that use to stand center stage and sing his heart out.

As I have reflected on this more and more over the last few months, I have had somewhat of an epiphany. With each interaction I keep in mind that we are all those 10 year old versions of ourselves just dealing with these adult reality checks that keep being thrown at us. Some of our 10 year old selves are a little hurt and a little bruised while some are just happy as can be. As we have gone through life we’ve all been the “good guy” and we’ve all been the “villains” at one time or another. We learn with life that not everyone always has the greatest perception of us and we must take accountability for the roles we have played. We must be cognizant of the ripple effect our choices and actions have. Breakups, along with other life events, remind us that things may not have always been as they appeared to be. People change and they grow but if you are not changing and growing together in a relationship the world will find a way to let you know how divided you have become. Some say people don’t change but I have to disagree. I challenge each of us to truly look inward and ask ourselves if we feel we are the same person we once were. Life forces change upon us little by little - it is as simple as that - and as each change comes upon us, that is where we gain control. We get to choose how to react or move forward. And we must do just that; move forward.

2017 was rough, and I let it get the best of me. Now that 2018 has arrived, it’s time to figure out how I want to move forward. In years past, I have given myself a motto to serve as motivation throughout the year and I believe Twenty Eighteen is demanding I continue this tradition. I choose to continue establishing my new life out here in California and in order to do so I must continue to stop bullshitting. I have to remind myself that I have to be the change I want to see in this world and I am accountable for the circumstances I allow myself to be in. The old me wouldn’t have put up with a lot of what 2017 brought my way. I love who I use to be but that doesn’t mean I can’t become an even better version of myself. A version that includes who I use to be while also remaining true to who I have become. My hope is that we all live our lives by our own terms. Stop being scared of how you think your family will perceive you or the life you want to live. Stop holding yourself back because you’re afraid that you might actually be happy in the life you deserve. Demand your own happiness. Realize that by allowing others to know your truth that you are helping this world become a more compassionate and understanding place. It is scary to go off the beaten path and to imagine a world where you can live your life the way you want but if we don’t make the changes in our own lives how can we ever expect this world to progress. In retrospect, me coming out to my family was not a big deal. But by choosing to come out and live my truth, my family has changed. And that change will continue on with the next generation that they are raising and so forth.

Let yourself live the life you see fit and be the best version of YOU. I told my family my truth when I was 24. I was scared to death that it would change everything … and thank God it did just that … it changed everything.

It's My Party & I'll Pee Where I Want To

During my Junior year in high school, I was the editor of my school’s yearbook.  As is tradition with yearbooks, our school held the superlatives in which a lesbian couple won “Cutest Couple” by a landslide.  It never crossed my mind that anyone could conceive a problem with this, and not because I too was/am gay, but because I am a human being. 

I remember sitting down and having conversations with a group of adults in the school district discussing how to handle the petitions parents were making over the yearbook and what to do regarding the issue at hand.  I remember there being one day in which I was kept in a conference room so that the news media could not ask me about the yearbook and I feel ashamed that the end decision resulted in handing out stickers with our yearbooks so parents could cover the faces of these two girls. #2005forthefail

While that may have been 12 years ago and a few laws have changed, the mentality of so many have yet to catch up.  Recently, the newly appointed POTUS has kept us all on the edge of our seats as changes have been made right and left.  On Wednesday, February 22^nd, he withdrew the Obama-era protections for transgender students in schools that let them use bathrooms corresponding with their identity.  Stepping away from these protections is a stance in and of itself and is already causing ripple effects.  One view point the President continues to make towards issues in the LGBTQ world are that the states should handle them.  The idea that my civil rights should be determined based on which state I live in is a complete smack in the face to it being the year 2017.  I personally never voted for Obama but I have to say I’m grateful for what he did for the LGBTQ community.  Under his reign as President, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” ended, he condemned conversion therapy, aids help was strengthened and marriage equality became a reality.  The concept that each state gets to determine which rights i’m privy to is disheartening.  Imagine if women’s rights or black’s rights were up for state to state discussion. Or for those of you who happen to be straight and need a little more understanding, imagine if it was up for debate within each state whether or not you got to be legally bound to your family.  You may be husband and wife in Michigan but in Utah you just get to pretend for the sake of pretending. (Have fun doing your taxes!)

On a side note with all of this bathroom nonsense, I want you to really think about something here and I'm going to make bullet points to emphasize what I am saying. 

• No matter the sexual preferences of the attendees of any restroom, no one should be making unwanted advances towards another and if this is happening to you I would hope you are reporting this. 
• If this sort of thinking is the actual issue then shouldn't my being gay entitle me to be using the women's restroom so someone of the same sex doesn't look at me or I them? 
• Being transgender deals with your gender identity, not your sexuality.  This means that just because someone may be transgender - it does not mean they are attracted to the same sex.  
• More United States Senators have been arrested for sexual misconduct in bathrooms than transgender individuals. #Notalternativefacts

In response to Trump’s decision to back out of the fight for the rights of transgender kids across America, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (along with 6 other religions) joined in support of the President’s change (please pause here for my dramatic and long sigh). For a religion trying to paint a picture that they are supportive, they certainly like to go back and forth on things. In March of 2015 the church made the news for proposing a bill that was anti-discrimination for housing and employment.  This was announced as a memorable and historic day for the church and their stance on LGBTQ members.  So basically the church agrees that we should be able to have jobs and houses and everyone should still love their LGBTQ family members but we are still apostates who shouldn’t have families, we shouldn’t be granted the ability to marry, our kids can’t get baptized and now the T in LGBTQ shouldn’t even be able to pee where they feel comfortable.  (But its OK because as long as they claim to love us … they can still sleep easy knowing they get to go to the Celestial Kingdom) 

I struggle every time the church decides to take a political stance.  Not only does this thinking contradict the need for separation between church and state but it hinders the progress of civil rights in the land of the free.  I am obligated to respect that they have their own views on many topics but they are a church and that is very different from them being the government.  I understand that in the state of Utah they might as well be two in the same but that is perhaps why they continue to get away with making political stances without having to deal with the tax consequences that should follow.  In this world there are over 4,200 religions.  With such a large number of differentiating beliefs, how chaotic would it be if they all started telling the government how to do their job?  For example; Hindus don’t eat beef, Muslims don’t eat pork, Buddhists are vegetarians and Mormons believe in moderation in all things.  So who should win in that debate if all religions start demanding that THEIR way be THE way?  

At the end of the day, I wish these men would stop hiding behind their religions to make choices based on their own arrogance and start taking accountability that these are their personal feelings and dare I say insecurities. Instead, what ends up happening is a problematic and unfortunate series of circumstances from making people think God hates them for being who they are.  It is not God who is against their lives; it is the men who do not understand the lifestyles.  This is an extremely dangerous game of cause and effect for it instigates depression, doubt, fear and way too many cases lead to suicide.  When did religion stop being about how to teach your followers to live in a world of diversity and start being about condescending upon the lives of others so your followers are more comfortable in their judgments? Please remember dear Bible goers that we learn in the book of Matthew that we are judged based on how we judge others.  Diminishing diversity does not mean it goes away.  It only means we are a weaker nation for not finding a better way to utilize the strength these individuals can bring to the table.  Any minority or any person that has had to fight against the mold, has a strength within them this country could surely use. This country is divided and our marriage to it is being tested for better and worse.  Those who seek equality must continue to raise the bar (a term the LDS church is more than familiar with). 

I was so proud to be an American – not on January 20th, but on January 21st when millions of protesters took to the streets all over this country to show that they will not be silenced. It was amazing to see this country come together like that.  My journey is my own, as is the case for all of us, but I look forward to a time when we can look beyond putting stickers in our yearbooks to cover people’s faces for who they are.  I look forward to a time when kids won’t have to come out to their families but instead they can grow up in an environment that allows them to feel safe no matter their sexuality or gender association.  I look forward to a time when the USA stops acting as if this is something that can be shushed or looked over and sent to the states for decision. Since being an out and gay man, I have felt a responsibility to make sure my family and friends are more compassionate and understanding towards the LGBTQ community.  For most of them, I was the first gay man they knew and it gave them a reason to begin to TRY to understand why so many things like this matter. I am so proud of how far some of these people have come.  Now that I have their support we form an even stronger and even more diverse unit.  If every family were to grow closer and more united in these instances, think of how strong this new and modern “community” could become.  It would be one that fights for each other’s rights and embraces diversity. No matter your race, gender, sexuality or beliefs, we would all find a way to stand together and find strength from within.  This group could then continue the fight and make sure that we are all given equal rights throughout this nation, which IS under God and SHOULD be indivisible with liberty and justice for all. Now THAT would surely be a way to make America great again. (And no one would even have to wear that awful red hat!) 

We Love a Charade

I have this memory ... of when I was a kid that is so impressed on my mind that I’ve never been able to shake it.  As a young boy, I had always known I had tendencies and feelings towards boys instead of girls but just as a child comes into their own with sexuality, I came into my own understanding as well.  As the pieces of my puzzle began falling into place and I began to realize that I was in fact, Gay, I began to wonder what to do with my life.  I remember one particular Sunday, I was sitting on the end of the pew during church and I was attempting to analyze the thoughts I was having in life that were not the ones I was "supposed" to be having.  I remember coming up with the decision that I would move to California where no one would ever know of the life I was living and I could work at Disneyland because that was a place I felt happy.  It was in this exact moment that my future was shaped in my head.  This was the dream that would carry me through the dark times and give me hope when I would feel there was none.

When I conjured up this dream of mine there was no such thing as social media so it seemed extremely feasible that I could live somewhere else and no one would know I was gay.  I could live my life in secret and no one would be the wiser. As time passed, I never lost sight of this idea that I could live in California and be happy there.  It was a place I could see myself living and be the real me without judgment or hurting anybody that I loved.  In time, it became my driving force.  I was going to get out of my hometown of Murray, Utah and I was going to move away to work for the Mouse. 

As high school ended and I’ve returned home from the mission (that I never thought I’d go on), there have been reunions and weddings that I have been invited to that I have quite frankly steered away from.  When I was still in the closet, I dreaded having that conversation where people would ask who I was dating or what I was doing with my life while I secretly was in a relationship and my job was anywhere but getting me to California.  As I mentioned earlier, social media wasn’t a thing when I initially decided to move to California but by the time I got home from the mission it was the sole purpose of the internet (or so it seemed).  I avoided reunions simply because everyone seemed to be moving on, getting married and having children.  It was hard for me to compare where I was at in life next to the lives everyone appeared to be enjoying on Facebook.  I constantly felt like I was failing at life and I was in desperate need of changing my perception.  Fortunately, I am now out and the times are different from when I was a kid.  Yet, as forward as this world has progressed, I still have felt the need to move to California.  This last May, I received a phone call offering me a position with my company that would move me from the safety and security of my life in Utah and would send me to the unknown land of Beverly Hills, California.  For someone that has visited Cali as much as I have, I had never been to this part of Los Angeles and it was practically foreign to me.  I ended up moving without a place to live and was so unbelievably unprepared for what would lie ahead.  Never in my life have I been more grateful for the loved ones in my life who helped me during these early months of my life in California.  Without being as prepared as I should have been, I packed up and made the move to California because “Dreams Come True,” right?

By definition, Naïve is an adjective meaning a person is innocent or showing a lack of wisdom or judgment.  Laugh if you will but I never would have considered myself as naïve. Coming here, however,  and having the experiences I have had has shown me that 'Naïve' is exactly what I was.  Regardless of the fact that Los Angeles was never where I pictured myself moving to, it is where I ended up and I have had to make the most of it.  I moved out here with plans to get a 2 bedroom apartment so friends and family would have a place to stay when they visited.  As adorable as the thought of a 2 bedroom apartment was, I ended up with a 325 sq. foot studio apartment.  That’s right folks, I just moved from 3,000 sq. feet to 325 sq. feet.  (Cute, right?  I thought so too)  Long story short, everything that could possibly go wrong has definitely gone wrong.  I have never felt like the World was beating me up on a daily basis until this move.  It has been one learning experience after another and I am ready for things to start to calm down but they do not appear to be doing so. (1st World problems, I know.) 

There is a common phrase that reminds us how Comparison is the killer of all joy.  As hard as it is to admit that I have allowed myself to compare my life and self-worth with the perfect lives everyone appears to be having on social media, it is a truth.  I decided when I initially started this blog that I would be honest about my life and this is an aspect I have struggled with even to this day.  Watching those close to me make their lives seem fabulous on the internet when I know what is really going on has opened my eyes to the charade that we all make our lives appear as.  Don’t get me wrong, I am guilty of doing the same thing.  Then again, who wants to take a selfie or have a photo-op during a sad moment to forever remember how miserable you were in that instance?  I think I've decided to view Facebook from here on out as our own scrapbooks and we just get to look in on all the good stuff that happens for one another.  (You all probably came to this decision back in 2009 ... thanks for the memo!)

While I am acutely aware of how idiotic it is to compare my life with anyone else’s,  I can’t help but wonder if the even tougher comparison is that of where my life currently is verse where I dreamed it would be at this point.  My own silly idea of where my life should be vs. where it is.  I am almost 29 years old and that scares the shit out of me.  I pictured my life having so much more purpose and doing something meaningful in a career that I sought out and loved. If life has shown me anything it is that we have choices to make and those choices have consequences and we do not get to choose those consequences (as nice as that would be).  I moved out to California earlier than I probably should have and I know that, I’m not unaware of that fact - but I am here, and I did not make it this far just to make it this far.  I am making this dream a reality and it is rough and it is scary and I have never felt more alone in my life but there is no place else I feel I should be.  I write this not for sympathetic comments or words of encouragement. I know I will get through this because of the incredible support system I have back home and my own inner strength.  I write this to show that it's okay to show that not everything is perfect in this life and also to tell myself that it's okay not to always be okay.  It’s not a glamorous road but it’s a road nonetheless and it will take me where I need to go.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and for some reason I have to go through this. 

 Truth is, we all compare and we all put on a certain level of a charade.  It is a way to cope and move ourselves from one mindset to another.  Whether we are convincing ourselves of that charade or others, maybe the charade isn’t so much a lie as it is a hope.  It may be something small like a hope that you’ll have plans this coming weekend or it may be large like a dream job with Disney in California, but that hope or that “charade,” if you will,  is what can carry you through when all seems lost.  I said it earlier and I will say it again how grateful I am for those that have helped me or been a support to me while I have been out here. From that little kid on the church pew to the 28 year old in Beverly Hills, I’m getting there slowly but surely. I’m one step closer to that dream -  Now I just need a mouse trap!  (Wink Wink)